the lament of the non-mom
perhaps i should start a separate blog all about my irrational fear of having children.
in case the million and a half facebook posts, huge displays of cards at walgreens, and every discount flash sale website email didn't clue you in, we recently celebrated a holiday dedicated to moms.
a holiday that is so well deserved. i have learned over the past year how tough, scary, rewarding, enlightening, exhausting, and downright crazy mommyhood is. all of my friends have children of varying ages and i have seen what they are going through and what they are learning about themselves and i'm in total awe of what they do and the sacrifices they make. mommys definitely deserve a holiday all about them.
please don't let anything i'm about to say make you think otherwise.
i'm kind of over it.
this year mother's day was kind of like single's awareness day for me. nevermind the fact that my mom has passed and i can't celebrate with her (believe me i have plenty of mom's to celebrate with so even though i miss her, that void is full of love and support from many people).
at church on sunday, just like every other mother's day that i've celebrated at that church, and i'm sure like most other churches honor moms, the kids all get to hand out pretty flowers to all the moms. our pastor has them all stand up and the kids run around, shyly handing a flower to some woman they have never met before. it is sweet and quite funny sometimes.
i got two flowers.
mostly because the kids ran up to me, even though i was sitting down, and looked at me, obviously confused as to why i wasn't already holding a flower. i must be a mom - i look old enough to be a mom. i didn't want to embarrass them so i took the flowers and said thank you (i mean i do have dogs!) but during the "greet your neighbor" part of the service, i handed my flowers off to a couple of mom's who came in late and missed that part.
so there are the first two bullets straight to the chest.
i look like a mom. i'm old enough to be a mom. i'm confusing small children because i'm not a mom.
is something wrong with me?
then after service was over and i'm walking out the door, an older lady comes up and puts her arm around me and says that maybe next year i will be able to celebrate mother's day too.
um. ouch. not just an owwwie or a boo-boo but dang.
an open gaping wound.
inside i was bleeding, hurting, sobbing. but i just put on my pastor-wife smile and said "maybe so - we'll see."
why do i have to be a mom to celebrate mother's day? i'm pretty sure there is no book outlining the rules of mother's day, who is allowed to celebrate and who isn't. i know that isn't exactly what she meant and i'm being very literal but cut me some slack. i was already emotional anyways.
it blows my mind how people can be so terribly insensitive. having children is a decision that my husband i get to make together. having a kid so i get to participate in a holiday is a pretty craptastic reason to do it right? what if chris and i have been trying for years and haven't been able to? what if i simply don't want kids? i believe its no one's business but ours.
earlier i called it an irrational fear. is it really irrational to NOT want to have children? i realize that makes me different from most women, but whether or not i push a child out of my hoo-ha or adopt one from a third world country doesn't make me any more or any less of a person. of a WOMAN. i can be a perfectly fine, fully functional person and woman with or without a progeny. at least that is what i'd like the world to believe anyways.
so that is what is on my mind. you know - this blog is where i can let my crazy out sometimes. so there you have it.