right now you are just an afterthought. a huge fear of mine. a great gift. but you are not forming in my womb. you are still just a floating bit of my body waiting to be made into a beautiful baby, a giggly little girl, a classy young lady, and an ambitious woman.
the idea of having a baby at all scares the hell out of me. learning how to change diapers or wiping drool/spit up off of my shirt without gagging is only the beginning. simply keeping you alive when you have no knowledge of how to do it yourself is only scratching the surface. instead of simply keeping you alive, i have to teach you how to live.
once you are here i know my life will never be the same. i will be responsible for teaching you how to live your life in a way that honors God, you, your parents and all of those people around you. do you realize how big a responsibility that is? do you grasp the unapproachable greatness of that? it stretches beyond how to talk and walk and eat with a fork and spoon or tie your shoes.
i have to show you what you are worth. how much you are valued. i have to instruct you how to respect yourself and where you come from. i have to instill morals and values into you so that you will make smart decisions based on eternal implications that you will never fully understand.
that makes me want to crawl in a hole and just hide forever. it definitely makes me want to have a hysterectomy. how can i teach you these things when i don't understand them in the slightest? how can i expect you to act one way when i probably did the complete opposite when i was your age?
there is something that i want you to always know and always understand.
you are worth it. you are worth waiting for. you are worth fighting for. never let anyone tell you different.
you are beautiful. you might have braces, have to wear glasses, wear a different size clothing than all of your friends, but remember that God made you. He formed you, bit by bit, in my womb to be exactly who you are and look exactly the way you do. and i'm sorry but your crooked nose comes from three generations of women who have it and no, i will never pay for you to have a nose job. because when i look at you and see that crooked nose, i see my mother and my grandmother.
that is something else that scares me. you will never know either of these women. and let me tell you why. they didn't take care of themselves. they took advantage of the bodies God gave them and abused them. i know my mom tried to fix things and make her health better but she would have lived a lot longer if she had started young. so please take wonderful care of your body. feed it healthy foods, don't ever smoke a cigarette because it will be terribly hard for you to quit. exercise for fun and remember that you are never punishing your body - you are pushing it to be better, faster, stronger, and able to live longer to one day meet your grandbabies.
and finally, understand this. at this point in my life, and i'm nearly thirty, i don't want to have a baby. not that i don't want you, but like i said, i am scared of all of the responsibility that comes with it. and i didn't know what to do. whether or not to have one. whether or not to trust myself with a baby. so i am turning to God. i am praying for you already and i haven't even decided to try to have you yet. i am praying for strength to be a mom. i am praying for your father to be a model of the man you might want to marry one day. i am praying for us as future parents and you as our future child. i know when i meet you all the pieces will fall into place but i'm praying for God to just get me to that point.
there will be more letters to you because i have much more to say.
you are so so loved.
linking up with kelsey