who i am. really.
i am participating in an e-course created bty liv lane of choosing beauty called how to build a blog you truly love. true to its title, i am learning to take my little slice of the internet and turn it into something i love and that i am proud of and that i truly want to share. don't get me wrong. i love my blog. i love writing on it. i love the people i have connected with.
i am just ready to take it to the next level. for a lot of reasons.
i don't know if you have noticed but there have been some design changes going on around here. there will be more, but more on that later. these have all stemmed from some of the articles i have read in the contents of the e-course.
the first thing i want to do is to introduce myself to you. i know... you have probably read the "about me" page and that is all good and dandy. but that just skims the surface and shows you the "me" i want you to see. i feel like if you read that, or have been reading my blog, and have stuck around this long that it is time for me to peel back these layers and show you who i really am and what i am really about.
before you run off, i'm definitely not some weirdo freak posing as the writer of a blog so i can find out who you people are and where you live.
well... unless you define "weirdo freak" as anything else i am about to say. because then. yes i am a weirdo.
i am skye. my mother chose this name over stephanie because she said it reminded her of the way fresh-cut grass on a football field in september smelled. i say it was because she was a hippie and like the smell of another.. ahem.. grass.
i am a wife. i met my husband by chance at a housewarming party where a friend of a friend brought him. he told corny pick up line jokes, danced with me while i cried and still asked me for my phone number. i was pretty sure he was being polite and that i'd never hear from him again. to the contrary, he did call me. on our first date he took me out for mexican food (my favorite), explained that being in seminary did not mean he was a monk (which i really did not know) and then watched (and sang along with) phantom of the opera with me. i knew then i would spend the rest of my life with him. it took him a little more convincing... but i knew i would never let him go anywhere.
i am a daughter. my parents are two people i am so so proud to call my parents. my mother, who passed away a little over year ago, was a woman with a big heart who knew what she wanted. she passed on many of her endearing (and not so endearing) traits to me... like my yearning to learn as much as possible and do as much as possible and be as many things as possible to as many people as possible. and my unequivocal ability to utter the word "shit" when something i don't like happens and sound just exactly like her.
my father has worked really hard his entire life in the oil field. i vividly remember the ride to daycare in the mornings in my father's work truck and the acrid smell of crude oil that was aptly described by him "as the smell of dinner on the table." i remember many nights where he never came home because of an oil spill in an obscure creek that had to be cleaned up. from my father i carry the traits of a good driver who thinks no one else can drive (yes, that woman honking her horn behind you in the fast lane of the interstate gesturing for you to get in the slow lane? that would be me) and my obsessive-complusive, perfectionist tendencies.
i am a disciple. and i struggle with it. i know that Jesus is the risen son of our Lord without a shadow of a doubt. I know where i will go when i my number is called. but within the confines if my daily life, i have a really hard time finding a spot to fit God into. and even saying it in that manner shows you where my priorities lie. i don't pray enough. i don't spend enough time in scripture. i don't have quiet reflection time with God. i don't know how to do that and be the person that i am. that He made me to be. and the worst part is that i don't yearn for it. giving in to God means letting go of all the control that i hold dear to my heart. and it scares me. i can put on a good show though. but inside i am a quivering little person afraid to reach out into the darkness to step through to the light on the other side.
i am a wandering flower longing for the place that allows me to grow strongly into some beautiful creation. some small part of me denies the cultural standard in america that proclaims that i should put down roots and stay there, seeking nourishment in the environment i chose. i would much rather spread my arms wide and let the wind carry my feet where it will and then... once i find the place that nourishes me the most... then i will plant my feet in the earth. there has been and will be places with dry soil but i am willing to endure the small periods of spiritual and psychological malnutrition in order to find that one place that feeds my soul, my mind, my creativity, my heart and my body.
i have no idea what i want to be when i grow up. or rather... i have no idea which one i'd like to be when i finally make the decision to grow up. i want to be a corporate professional and click-clack across the smooth marble floors of a sky-scraper in bustling manhattan, carrying important papers to some important person on my way out the door to ride on public transportation to my high rise apartment 30 blocks away. i want to be a freelance artist and roam the countryside in europe, searching for inspiration and living like a nomad or a gypsy. i want to have two children and be a stay at home mom, making homemade sidewalk chalk for them to color with while the organic, nutrient-rich lunch is simmering on the stove. i want be a teacher and teach a room full of eighteen year olds the importance of balancing your checkbook and building credit properly. i want to blog for a living. i want to go to seminary and get a master's in theological study. i want to be a graphic designer and an interior designer. i want to learn how to sew. i want to sell everything i own and move to st. lucia and braid hair on the beach.
as you can see this poses a bit of a problem. i cannot narrow my passions down in life enough to make a decision about what i want to do. what if i decide "YES! THIS IS IT! I WANT TO BLAH BLAH BLAH" and i miss out on something so amazing and enriching that i would have benefited from elsewhere?
i hate my job. not in that "total dread of coming in the work sort of day". i despise that i feel as though i have settled with it. by no stretch of the imagination does it allow me to be creative, give me problems to solve, create a teamwork environment or have any chance of moving up or advancing in any way. these are things that i crave out of life - things i know about myself - and i have taken this position and worked here for a year and haven't grown, learned or changed in any way at all. except that i feel like i have just let myself completely down.
i love to encourage and meet new people. two very good friends i have made so far in this little adventure are katie and cassie. if you had asked me a year ago if i would be handing out my phone number to people i met blogging i would have eyeballed you like you were growing green tusks out of your ears. but today, because of these two phenom women, i have learned a little more about myself and let my vulnerability show a little more.
i love babies as long as i can hand them back to their mother when they poop in their diaper. not a lot of elaboration needed there folks. :)
hello? are you still there? oh good. whew. this "not a lot of pictures" blogging gets boring pretty quick so thanks for hanging in there with me. but every once in a while i need to do a little soul searching. and part of that soul searching will lead to new directions for this here little blog and what i decide to do with it.
so anyways, all of that was to say this. i fully plan to integrate this blog with all the things that are happening in my life and all the decisions that come with it. which means that things are going to change around here. don't worry! i will still be ME most of all but the purpose behind the blog is going to be evolving and once i finally figure out what that is and how i want things to be, things might look a little different around here. but i promise to keep you all informed. you are part of the reason i blog! :)
thanks for all of you who read, comment, don't comment, laugh a little, smirk at my corny jokes, or call a coworker over to read what i wrote. somewhere inside i feel like i know each of you and that there is some reason you have found me or i found you... i pray that connection leads us both somewhere positive!